Saturday, February 18, 2006
STARES 6:12 PM*
Cries from the Heart.
my life is in a total mess. ii am falling apart. from others point of view, ii have everything. but the truth is, ii have nothing. nothing at all. is it that difficult to understand? family, friends, relationship, money, studies.. oh god, just tell me what you want me to do right now? ii cannot stop crying. its never been that bad.
ii hate the way she pretends to know. pretends to care. you dont. you absoultely dont. and you never would. in your eyes ii am just another bad kid. and so you never really took time to notice how ii felt and such.
and him? he's been showing favourism since the day ii began to get facts right. that aint fair. aint fair at all.
how many a times do you know ii cried myself to sleep? how many a times did ii blame him for not bring me with him when he left? how many a times did ii need care and concern? and how many a times was ii just left alone staring at the motionless tv with the ever so irritating maid?
you never did know once. and when ii told you ii heard something and was terrible afraid. you just gave me a frustrated look and told me off. you ask me to stop making up stories and scare him. but, dear mommy, let me tell you. he was soundly asleep. you never did care. you never did.
ii remember times when ii told you about nice events that happened to me. you didnt even seem to bother. you didnt even listen to me. you always told me family relations are very impt. so tell me, what is your idea of family relations? is screaming and shouting at me a way to show building of relations? you never trusted me. you never trusted nobody. can you tell me what am ii in your eyes? was ii ever family?
you never praised you never encouraged. you just scolded. in your eyes ii am just a failure. so then, why do ii even try so hard to succeed?
ii was wrong, ii am wrong and ii know ii will be wrong.
then ii see you standing there
wanting more from me
and all ii could do is try
dear mommy, ii've grown to see that ii'll never be right in your eyes. ii'll never be perfect. ii'll never be good. ii never even dreamt of being great. ii am just another disappointment. just another bad kid, just another failure. ii no longer see your smiles. and even if ii do, they never belonged to me. it seems like we're history. we're falling apart. not me, not you, but us. ii dont want to face you anymore. ii am afraid of your calls. ii am afraid of your voice. ii am afraid of you. ii am sorry. ii was never good.
ii miss him, miss the way he loved me. missed the way he cuddled me in his arms and rock me to sleep all night. miss the way he shield me whenever ii was to get scolded or beaten by her. miss the way he tried to give me something when he had nothing. miss the way ii help him fold paper bags for a living. although ii will always make a mess out of it, he never did scold me. miss the way he stroke my head telling me ii've been good. then one day, he left. ii saw everybody come out crying. ii asked what happened but nobody said anything. for all ii know, he was gone for good. to a better place. a place when he didnt have to suffer needles. a place without me. he didnt bring me.
its been years since he was gone. but right now, he still lives deep down in my heart. he understands. ii know he does.
so they have radios in heaven?
ii hope they do. (:
my life is in a total mess. ii am falling apart. from others point of view, ii have everything. but the truth is, ii have nothing. nothing at all. is it that difficult to understand? family, friends, relationship, money, studies.. oh god, just tell me what you want me to do right now? ii cannot stop crying. its never been that bad.
ii hate the way she pretends to know. pretends to care. you dont. you absoultely dont. and you never would. in your eyes ii am just another bad kid. and so you never really took time to notice how ii felt and such.
and him? he's been showing favourism since the day ii began to get facts right. that aint fair. aint fair at all.
how many a times do you know ii cried myself to sleep? how many a times did ii blame him for not bring me with him when he left? how many a times did ii need care and concern? and how many a times was ii just left alone staring at the motionless tv with the ever so irritating maid?
you never did know once. and when ii told you ii heard something and was terrible afraid. you just gave me a frustrated look and told me off. you ask me to stop making up stories and scare him. but, dear mommy, let me tell you. he was soundly asleep. you never did care. you never did.
ii remember times when ii told you about nice events that happened to me. you didnt even seem to bother. you didnt even listen to me. you always told me family relations are very impt. so tell me, what is your idea of family relations? is screaming and shouting at me a way to show building of relations? you never trusted me. you never trusted nobody. can you tell me what am ii in your eyes? was ii ever family?
you never praised you never encouraged. you just scolded. in your eyes ii am just a failure. so then, why do ii even try so hard to succeed?
ii was wrong, ii am wrong and ii know ii will be wrong.
then ii see you standing there
wanting more from me
and all ii could do is try
dear mommy, ii've grown to see that ii'll never be right in your eyes. ii'll never be perfect. ii'll never be good. ii never even dreamt of being great. ii am just another disappointment. just another bad kid, just another failure. ii no longer see your smiles. and even if ii do, they never belonged to me. it seems like we're history. we're falling apart. not me, not you, but us. ii dont want to face you anymore. ii am afraid of your calls. ii am afraid of your voice. ii am afraid of you. ii am sorry. ii was never good.
ii miss him, miss the way he loved me. missed the way he cuddled me in his arms and rock me to sleep all night. miss the way he shield me whenever ii was to get scolded or beaten by her. miss the way he tried to give me something when he had nothing. miss the way ii help him fold paper bags for a living. although ii will always make a mess out of it, he never did scold me. miss the way he stroke my head telling me ii've been good. then one day, he left. ii saw everybody come out crying. ii asked what happened but nobody said anything. for all ii know, he was gone for good. to a better place. a place when he didnt have to suffer needles. a place without me. he didnt bring me.
its been years since he was gone. but right now, he still lives deep down in my heart. he understands. ii know he does.
so they have radios in heaven?
ii hope they do. (:
STARES 6:12 PM*